My life just got a lot more difficult. At age two, Sir has decided that he no longer needs to nap. For two straight weeks, nap time meant screaming, fighting, crying (him and me), beating on the door, throwing things, and, on one occasion, hitting me in the face hard enough to knock my glasses almost completely off. And so, in order to restore peace to our house, we are forgoing any further napping attempts.
This poses many issues, not the least of which being that he spends the greater portion of his day completely exhausted, kvetchy, and unreasonable. The other major downside that will undoubtedly take me a very long time to adjust to is the fact that I have lost approximately 15+ work hours a week.
Nap time was the little oasis in my day that helped me keep the shred of sanity that I have. Despite the fact that I spent those 2-3 hours working, it was still the only reasonably relaxing time in my day.
And now it’s gone.
I am already so stressed out that in the few moments that I do have to take a breath and try to accomplish something non-mom related, I am too upset to even concentrate. I am actually fighting back tears as I write this post because I am so not ready for this. There are children who nap everyday until they are 4 years old. Of all the things that my son could be advanced in, why does it have to be this?
I realize how selfish this sounds, but I assure you, it isn’t just the fact that I now have no time to myself that has me so upset. The worst part, by far, is that this lack of sleep has turned my polite, well-mannered, loving little boy into some kind of sleep-deprived monster. He has never, ever struck anyone in anger until now. He has never had more than one time out in a day…actually, I’m not sure he’s ever had more than one time out in a WEEK (Saturday he had, I believe, four time outs). And his behavior has become so atrocious that every other word that comes out of my mouth now is either ‘no’ or ‘don’t’.
The popular image of the spoiled stay-at-home mom has plagued me since just a few months after Sir was born. Despite the fact that I have never been comfortable or successful in working a traditional 9-5 schedule, I am a person who works. I may work on my own terms and my own time, but I get things done. I want my son to see that hard work and sacrifice DO pay off. I want to provide something for this family beyond what I can do as a parent and I gladly sacrifice in order to do it. I squeeze every free minute of my day for all it’s worth and now those free minutes are shrinking away faster than I can keep up. The sense of loss is far more astounding than I could have imagined. It feels like a major failure.
So, now I am challenged with finding a way to keep moving forward with the extremely limited amount of time that I am left with and show my son that setback ≠ failure. If he’s awake enough to pay attention.
photo : sir at the trains by yours truly